Driving Miss Sammy
Published on 1 Dec 2005 at 7:12 pm.
4 Words of Wisdom
Filed under Adventures.
“So I’m not going to complain anymore about things being too boring.”
Many of you have contacted me and wondered why I hadn’t posted in a month. Mostly because I’ve been busy working and generally haven’t felt any of my day to day stories to be all that exciting. But just doesn’t apply after last night!!!
Keeping with a near month-long tradition of politely declining social invitations, I was sitting at home watching previously recorded television shows on my DVR when the phone rang. I was delighted to hear Sammy’s voice, and even more excited to hear she had a good time drinkin’ it up and needed a ride home from Huntington Beach. I promptly threw on a jacket and went to pick her up.
On the scenic (during the day, but not at 11:30pm) drive down Pacific Coast Highway I quickly noticed that there were more than the average number of police cars out and about. I didn’t think much about it other than feeling even more relieved that Sammy decided to call instead of drive. I carefully stepped up my efforts to arrive more quickly when Sammy called again to ask where I was. It wasn’t like I was taking my own sweet time… It was cold and I had to find a jacket, wipe the condensation off the windows and mirrors, etc.. “Sheesh lady… I’m on my way!”
Upon my arrival, I was happy to see Sammy’s Boss-Man (although pretty hammered himself) watching out for her and waiting patiently for me with her keys in his pocket. We quickly made the exchange… One handshake from me and I earned the privilege of Driving Miss Sammy while Mr. Boss-Man got to go home. Thanks Mr. Boss-Man!
Being the gentleman that I am, I opened the passenger door and helped the lady into Brian Reginald Green (for those of you that don’t know, that’s the name of the cutest MINI Cooper Convertible on the planet!) Once in the car, Sammy noticed that she lost her contact lens… No big deal! We’re sitting in the car, engine idling. The lens was quickly found and all Sammy had to do was put it back in… Now, Cuban Jon does not wear glasses or contacts and was actually fascinated while watching Sammy determine whether the contact lens was right-side-out or not… Apparently there are tiny little numbers that should read “123″ or “321″ based on which way the flexible little lens is bent. We looked like Laurel & Hardy examining this new-fangled invention and worked in a little slapstick along the way… All this was so interesting and exciting to watch that it’s no wonder we didn’t notice what was going on outside the car…
“Get Out Of The Car!!”
Wow!! Was this real? A large black dude in a dark green K-Mart-style ghetto fabulous hoodie with a gun stood by the passenger side of the car pounding on the window with the gun’s barrel. Quickly, he pulled Sammy’s door open as his mouth let out a steady stream of clichй ¬ines you really only hear in bad cops ’n robbers movies…
“Shut Up!” …
“Give me all your money!!” …
“Get out of the car!!!” ….
“Would you like fries with that!?”
As I calmly and quickly decided that even Brian Reginald Green (remember, the MINI’s name) wasn’t worth becoming human swiss cheese and having to disappoint my world audience by being unable to continue posting here, I knew I was about to get out of the car and let them drive away with it… Obviously Sammy had a slightly different agenda! I look over the passenger seat to see Sammy twist around and begin jackhammering the urban gunslinger in the crotch with her heels. Now this particular man, by carrying a gun, obviously didn’t have any balls in the first place and whatever might have been down there was protected by a thick layer of chocolate-colored blubber that was spilling over his pants.
This was when I focused my attention on Sammy and instructed her calmly yet still forcefully to get out of the car and let them have it. Now Sammy’s not a chick you wanna mess with! And she wasn’t having any of this that was happening. She yelled at me, “NO! It’s YOUR car!!”
“Actually, at the moment… It’s his car!” I uttered as we both got out of the car.
I was surprised to see a skinny, cracked out, latin guy standing just behind my door on the driver-side of the car because I didn’t even notice him in all the confusion. Ya know… It wasn’t all that cold out there, maybe 54 degrees Fahrenheit, but something must have drawn these two fine upstanding citizens to the blue light special on ugly hooded sweatshirts in the dumpster of the K-Mart on the wrong side of the tracks… REALLY! If you’re gonna take Cuban Jon’s car, have some style!!!
And besides style… Have at least something more of a brain than you need to eat, f#c%, s#!t, & sleep. You’re not getting anywhere in Huntington Beach in a brand new Mini Cooper Convertible that literally has my name on the plates! Plus… I wasn’t about to tell them the little trick to getting the car out of Park.
I walked to the sidewalk and pulled Sammy away from the car as I dialed 911 on my cell phone and watched the two outlaws attempt to get the car to drive. By the time California Highway Patrol connected me to the local Police Department, they had finally figured out how to drive the car… I actually felt like congratulating them on such a wonderful achievement. They were about to get the pleasure of driving my car for a few moments before the police dispatcher I was speaking with was able to relay the exact make, model, license plate, location and heading of Brian Reginald Green to the officers on patrol. Needless to say, there was little else happening at that moment in Huntington Beach so Brian, Sammy and I had the attention of most of the police force at that moment. Within 20 minutes they had my car and the two dimwits in custody… All that was left was to identify them and make a statement.
Throughout the whole process, I was calm and focused… Sammy was pissed-off and ready to beat some ass. It’s nice to know I’ve got a bodyguard that would try to fight a gunman almost 3 times her size just so I didn’t lose my car or the $2 in my wallet…. But somthing tells me I still get the pleasure of watching out for my bodyguard as well.
Love you Sammy!
On the ride home Sammy had to sit in the back seat since the two Mensa members figured out a way to render the passenger seatbelt useless. We rehashed the whole story over and over again… Each time we remembered more little details but finally rested by pulling out the moral lesson from the adventure…
Don’t mess with us… Don’t you know who we are?
GoTeam on 1 Dec 2005 at 9:58 pm: 1
That’s enough excitement for you, I think. Good job not getting shot!
Honorary Lesbian on 2 Dec 2005 at 4:08 pm: 2
Only Cuban Jon could could be carjacked by idiots who wouldn’t think to take his cell phone to prevent his calling the police immediately, but then I suppose thieving thugs aren’t renowned for excessive intelligence.
kimbo on 2 Dec 2005 at 4:09 pm: 3
That story will keep me from complaining for a while about the safe (boring) little town i live in!
I’m so glad you too are okay. Did the police tell you anything about them, like if the gun was loaded?
Just Aly on 2 Dec 2005 at 6:17 pm: 4
MY HEROES! … Sammy and Brian Reginald Green, that is.